THERAPY NIGHTMARE

I don't know how to write about this....I had an extended session so that I could be with Sam longer in a safe place,,,I can see her at home but it's not safe I get stuck then have nightmares and flash backs..the idea today was to have Z with me to keep me safe and UN stuck...
I did have time with her.....but I didn't count on her wanting to tell stories...I'm not ready to hear them...and I couldn't hear his voice..she wouldn't touch my hair.. I can't touch her...but she talks and talks with tears down her face..her arms are all bloody....She wanted to talk to Z.. but I didn't know how to let that happen..my head hurt like she was movin inside me...she wanted to get there....We were sitting on the sand..Z was with us I still had his hand.. he was standing.. the sun was so hot,, I could hear the waves comin in and out.....but the words the words hurt...I could hear no more and I ran away.. We took a break,, went in the bathroom and splashed my face with water,,,,but I was out of sorts...smoked a ciggy , he was already back waiting for me....It didn't feel like the Ativan was working. I was shaking inside and wanted to rock...told him we didn't have to start from the beginning cause she was already waiting...I told her I was sorry for running away,,,she kept saying she wanted to tell me she wanted me to remember....and at the same time she says speaking it means we're in trouble.. she told me horrible things and could feel them in my body as I'm writing this I can feel and hear things.....I left there but I was not grounded.. not to a point I was safe.. I've never been able to tell Steve that I am not OK to walk out of here.. there's always someone waiting it's not fair to them.. so I put on a smile and I say hangin in and walk out to my car.....
I get in my car and curl up and bawl like a baby.. afraid to move....I can lose time while I'm there dissociate away...sometimes i;m there for a few minutes sometimes for hours.. I just can't move. today i was stuck for about 45 mins.. I got home but don't remember driving and the Ativan was still working.. Image via I came home ans was flooding with images of what Sam had said.. her voice in my ears...I looked at the pills and wondered which ones would work,,,finally when it got too bad I called Z.. I didn't know what else to do....His voice helped calm me for few minutes.Then it was of to the phone store with my daughter... I was still bawling and she was very nervous...I didn't know how to stop it....a lady was at a light ..I hit her..I got a ticket for an old insurance card and a ticket for hitting the woman..and a court date.. I can't go to court.. I have phobias of banks post offices and Courts... (Authority figures) I can't go.. all this time I'm still bawling.. my daughter had to talk to the cop...I came home and a guy friend wanted to take me to ice cream.. I was still cryin... I'm sitting here now still crying.. I feel like I made a big mistake.. I went to fast..and Sam wants something i don't ..I don't want to remember i don't want to feel it.. I just want it to go away...Sam wants to tell it all not me..I'm afraid of what she will say what she will do..she's 9 years old..he thinks it's sill happening.. and for me the stories make me feel it's still happening and again it's not safe..I have never spoken the details of the memories,, but Sam has written 2 out for Steve...for now I feel flooded with pictures in front of my face and I fear sleep and the tears won't stop...I just wanna close my eyes and never wake up,,,it was a mistake ...such a mistake.. and now it wont stop.