The Following Is A List of Things I Think I've Learned from Life

1. Whether it's a bottle of shampoo, a jar of peanut-butter, or a stick of deodorant - Never throw away anything that's just about gone before you have the new one in hand, and at home. Trust me, if you do throw an almost-empty container away, one day you'll regret that you did. If you make sure you don't, one day you'll be glad you didn't. 2. Make it a habit to know you have your keys in pocket ANY time you leave your house, even for the mail. Again, one day you'll be glad you did. If you don't, you'll one day wish you had.3. Don't point out to other people what's wrong with you. Sometimes they won't notice until you do. At other times they'll think you're only looking for compliments. Then again, there will be many times when they let you know they think you're underestimating your own flaws, leaving you to feel worse than ever.4. "Accidents waiting to happen" doesn't mean something that only looks like an accident will result. An "accident waiting to happen" means an accident that will happen. It may not be today, and it may not be tomorrow or the week after next. The accident will happen, however - because it was waiting to happen. So take care of accidents waiting to happen immediately, because it's a rare accident that involves a happy outcome.5. Don't clean your toilet bowl with glasses on, and if you must then make sure your face isn't over the bowl and that they aren't at all loose. (Need I say more?)6. Along those lines, if you must flush a toilet that doesn't have a lid keep your mouth good and closed; and on a somewhat related note, never open a pull-top can of cat food without pursing your lips tightly either.7. Don't say, "My parents did __________, and I'm OK." There's a good chance you're not as OK as you and your parents think you are. It's just that neither your parents nor you know any better.8. Never leave your cell phone in your pocket when you use a public restroom (or private one, for that matter). If you absolutely must leave the phone in your pocket, make sure you store all your contacts on a back-up cell phone.9. Just because your dainty little hand fits inside a wine glass that doesn't mean you should use it (even with a paper towel in it) to wash the inside of the glass. Let's just say some knuckles are apparently on the sharper side.10. Snack foods in bags: There really is a good chance you "can't eat just one". Never buy these. (Also, never buy caramel rice cakes or Lindt truffles.)11. Always look in the back seat of your car before getting in. 12. Also, always look inside your drip coffee maker if you live in a cold climate, it's May, and the space under your kitchen door is big enough to let (oh, let's say) about 30 ants in for breakfast.13. Speaking of coffee (and any other beverage), always use a covered mug or cup in Summer, especially if you turn your lights off late at night and work by the light of the monitor. Little, tiny, flying bugs that like monitor lights also appear to like whatever human beings drink while they type. (If you can't follow this rule then at least keep a mini-flashlight on hand for checking between sips.) (Actually, the occasional, bigger, bug may find its way into your cup - but let's not think about THAT.)14. Before throwing your laundry into the machine, if you think you really should check all pockets for tissues; follow your instinct. You might think shredded up tissue bits aren't much different from dryer lint, but they are.15. Never sit with a baby over six months old on your lap, with the little cutie facing away from you. Sudden jumps back, baby heads, and noses have a tendency to combine in a most unpleasant and painful way.16. Speaking of babies, always carry babies through doorways upright. It's really easy to underestimate the length between a horizontal baby's toes and head while overestimating the width of the doorway. (Note: If an unfortunate incident occurs, chances are the baby will be OK. They usually are.)17. In stop-and-go traffic, never stop on railroad tracks just because there's no sign of a train coming. Make sure the car ahead of you has left enough room for you to clear the tracks before you move forward. 18. Never click, "Don't ask me this again", when it comes to whether or not you want Itunes to ask if you REALLY want to delete that playlist.19. Never carry a bottle of water in the same purse you keep your expensive camera in.20. Have one place where you ALWAYS keep your keys, wallet, and cell phone (and boring and unadventurous as this may be, NEVER deviate.)21. Never believe that you can explain your side better in an e.mail if you avoid the difficulties of trying to get the words out in person. Trust me - if the words were going to be a problem getting out in person, the tone of your voice isn't coming through via e.mail (even with the best emoticons). 22. If you have a cat, "running out" of paper towels isn't when the last roll is almost gone. It's when the back-up roll is opened.23. If you're six years old, never put a dime in your mouth while you climb over a reasonably tall chain-link fence.24. Don't think your boss will respect you more if you're honest about sleeping late. Some interpret such honesty as "not respecting him/her enough to think up a lie".25. AAA will only come for the same problem a couple of times before they tell you to get it fixed because they're not going to come out again.26. Don't panic if you're mixing up a brownie mix, add as much oil as you should be adding water, and vice verse. They come out OK (for the most part). They just take a lot longer to cook.27. If there's something telling you you shouldn't do one thing or another, listen to that something 100% of the time - not 98% of the time. A lot of disasters can happen when you give them that 2% window of opportunity.28. Blinds on a window can't be trusted as much as shades can.29. Never leave electronic products within any area that could be covered by liquid if whatever is holding that liquid should tip. By the way, add several inches to your estimate of the diameter of that area.30. If you must keep water, coffee, or tea near your keyboard, so be it. NEVER leave a glass of orange juice near it.31. Mothers never know their kids as well as think they do, no matter how well they really do know them.32. Kids never know their mothers as well as they think do, even though kids think they know more than mothers.33. If you have to ask, "Should I take my umbrella?" take it. You can fend off a rainstorm that way much of the time, but if you don't you'll at least have an umbrella with you.34. If it's "one size fits all" don't wear it. Nothing that comes in "one size fits all" is very attractive.35. Never slam a drawer or door shut without making sure your fingers are tucked safely into your palms.36. Don't think that just because ants show up in May a big, glass, peanut jar is a great place to store sugar; but if you do, don't wear sandals and make sure your hands are dry at all times.37. When you're out in public push doors open with your forearms (surgeon style), use your wrists on handrails (especially the ones in the subway), and keep as big a space bubble around you as possible.38. Always keep your shopping cart as far to one side of an aisle as possible. This prevents a whole store's worth of customers from thinking you're a giant idiot and telling their friends and relatives about you once they're out of the store.39. (Toilets again): If the present roll of tissue is almost gone you're better off removing it and replacing it with the new one, rather than leaving the new one at risk of being knocked on the floor (that is if you're not a big fan of using tissue that's rolled all over a bathroom floor).40. Staples can hold up a hem far longer than you would think.41 Never completely trust anyone else's directional signals in traffic. They're sometimes only an estimate.42. Don't walk into someone's home and immediately announce how you are by saying, "Oh - I am sooo sick!"43. Don't ask people who invited you to their wedding if it's OK if you bring your kid. Most of the time it isn't, they won't want to say it is, and your kid will end up being resented for being there.44. Rubbery soles on shoes are more dangerous, not less, on carpets and blacktop.45. On the matter of shoes with rubbery soles: Just because you feel light and airy and in the mood to run across a busy street, that doesn't mean you should. Let's put it another way: If you think cars are going to stop just because your legs are stretched out into the street, think again.46. The magnifying glass in the eyeglass repair kit will not do you any good when you need one hand for the little, tiny, screwdriver and the other hand to keep the little, tiny, screw in place.47. Just because you have a cover on your soda it doesn't mean the birds can't aim for the opening of the straw.48. Don't think just because the tube of hand cream says, "for extra dry and cracked hands" the clowns who thought up ingredients didn't put alcohol in it. Also, keep in mind that when the label says, "cooling" it means the cooling only happens after your hands feel like they're on fire for a couple of hours (because someone put ALCOHOL in this stuff).49. You don't REALLY have to Spring Ahead and Fall Back at 2:00 a.m. You just have to do a little more math if you don't.50. No, the fruit flies don't have some mechanism by which they can find your bunch of bananas from outside your house. The eggs are on the stems when you bring the bananas home, and it's only a matter of time before they hatch. Fortunately, bananas usually turn brown before the eggs hatch.51. Don't leave dishes in the sink without rinsing the food off first. The whole task of washing them will be far more pleasant if you do.52. The train you choose not to run to catch may well turn out to be one on which there was a stabbing.53. Yes, maybe that IS too much ask (whatever it is you're asking this about).54. Too much stuff always looks better if it's in neat piles and at right angles. 55. Whether or not you should wear your sweater or sweatshirt depends on whether you'll be more miserable cold or more miserable hot. Let your potential misery be your guide, but don't expect to be comfortable either way.56. Don't buy that crap about lightning never striking twice.57. Maybe it is always darkest before the dawn, but dawn doesn't offer any particular guarantees about how sunny and bright any one day will turn out to be.58. Don't buy donuts from any place that lets flies get on them (and a surprisingly high number of donut places seem to be OK with flies getting on the donuts). Also, don't bother writing to a famous donut chain to complain about their local store letting flies get on the donuts. All they'll do is send you a coupon for yet more "fly-donuts".59. You can't judge a book by its cover, but if someone looks creepy there's a really good chance they ARE creepy.60. Bacteria or no bacteria, somehow it just seems better to keep your toothbrush covered.