IS THE HOUR UP YET???????

It's Sunday afternoon..it's sunny and 70 out....I should be outside...I need the sun....but I'm not ..I'm sitting in my disgusting bed behind this computer with tears falling like a waterfall...the darkness surrounds me....a profound sadness...but I have no name for it..... I talked to P for a few off and on...and realize the incredible fear I now have...ohh heck I guess I've always had the fear..but I feel like I have shared too much..gave her too much real stuff that .....she can use on me..... that I try my damnest to avoid...Here I am voluntarily in therapy..... yet scared to death.... and still avoiding truth...I mean do others think and fear as I do?here I am on a blog sharing my most inner thoughts....and I go to therapy and share nothing......I hate wasting..especially therapy sessions....I mean that's valuable time the therapist is giving to you....P gives up an amazing amount of time for me... why wouldn't I use it?????? Why would I fight so hard ....fighting every thought and feeling..why is it so hard to share ME?maybe it is because I don't know who ME is.....maybe it's because there are 9 of ME.....maybe it's because of the shame..... I sent P an email last night...and the thought of it makes me ill....I asked her NOT to coddle or distract me ..but to PUSH me......Why would I tell her I need that..... why would I tell her I need something....when all I do is distract and avoid......why would I tell her I need something..when the idea scares me so...So when I go back tomorrow..I will again plop myself down on my corner of the couch..I might even work on my puzzle.....while my mind will be praying.....is the hour up yet........As always............