I was a Middle-Aged Zombie

 

Remember the old “I was a Teenage (fill-in-the-blank-monster)” movies? Well, I do because I'm middle-aged. Now, one might ask, where the heck is he going with this? I'll tell ya where – straight into the dumpster I call my mind. Deep down in all those numerous thoughts about scantly clad women, over-indulgent consumption of top notch food, and even a finished bath, a kid is hiding away. One that's been suppressed by self-appointed responsibility. “Oh wait,” you say, “but isn't responsibility a good thing?” Sure, responsibility in reasonable levels shows maturity and the ability to handle daily life in a healthy manner. But, when responsibility becomes the main focal point such that moments of fun dwindle and die away, well then, it's no longer living. That's where the zombie part comes in.

I recall having a conversation with a friend about such matters. Sometimes the questions raised start me thinking about difficult subjects to dive into as they target the core reasons behind my motivations. In this case, I began to realize while some bear crosses, others like myself, bear shields. That shield hides me from change and the associated fears that sometimes arise from change.

If I were to spell it out with my trusty ol' Speak-And-Spell (some of you might remember a Speak-And-Spell from one of my short stories), it would go something like this: Once upon a time, I recall having fun. I did things, I went places, I took chances. I asked girls out even though it inevitably ended with me being shot down in flames time and time again. I went to night clubs with my friends and came home stinking of cigarette smoke because of all the smokers in those days but I had some great stories as a result. And I even took classes at night to learn new things. Pen and Ink classes anyone?

But unfortunately, the key words I used in the previous paragraph were - I recall. Somewhere along the line, I slowly stopped doing things that put me out there in the eye of the hurricane we call society. I decided to take on a large financial responsibility because I believe it is the right thing to do. What's more, the most I do in regards to classes is think, “one of these days I'll take that film making cram session.” Yet I never quite get there. And last but not least, I've been doing the online dating scene for the last few years. One question I keep hearing is:

Lizzy Borden: “What do you do for fun?”

Dale: “Landscaping, remodeling, fixing stuff, ...”

Lizzy Borden: “No Badminton? No dancing? No axe for 40 whacks?”

Dale: “Ummm, well, umm, ya see, umm...”

Lizzy Borden: “Thanks but no thanks. Call me when you have a life.”

Seems I've lost the meaning of that three letter word somewhere along the way. Come to think of it, I've lost the meaning of two key “three letter words” for that matter. :)) I'm a zombie. Neither dead nor alive, rather stale and stagnant. Looks like its' time for me to say “Damn you excessive behaviors! You're not going to rule me!” Time to face those fears, kick complacency out into the street and chase it to the nearest night class. Because when the end comes, does anyone truly want to face it as a zombie? Time for me to consult my Speak-And-Spell oracle for words of advice and it better not be any of that “Dial M for...” otherwise it's time for some reprogramming. :))