Falling in Love

This is from the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Chapter 3:

Most of us enter marriage by way of the "in love" experience. At its peak, the "in love" experience is euphoric. We are emotionally obsessed with each other. The person who is "in love" has the illusion that his beloved is perfect. We have been led to believe that if we are really in love, it will last forever.

Unfortunately, the eternality of the "in love" experience is fiction and not fact. Dr. Dorothy Tennov, a psychologist, has done long-range studies on the in love phenomenon. After studying scores of couples, she concluded that the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years. If it is secretive love affair, it may last a little longer.

We fail to reckon with the reality of human nature. By nature, we are egocentric. Our world revolves around us.None of us is totally altruistic. The euphoria of the "in love" experience only gives us that illusion.

Dr. Peck concludes that the falling-in-love experience is not real love fro three reasons. First, falling in love is not an act of the will or a conscious choice. No matter how much we may want to fall in love, we cannot make it happen. On the other hand, we may not be seeking the experience when it overtakes us. Often, we fall in love at inopportune times and with unlikely people. Second, falling in love is not real love because it is effortless. Whatever we do in the in love state requires little discipline or conscious effort on our part. Third, one who is "in love"is not genuinely interested in fostering the personal growth of the other person.

The in-love experience does not focus on our own growth nor on the growth and development of the other person. Rather, it gives us the sense that we have arrived.

If falling in love is not real love, what is it? Dr. Peck concludes that "it is genetically dtermined instinctual component of mating behavior. In other words, the temporary collapse of ego boundaries that constitutes falling in love is a stereotypic response of human beings to a configuration of internal sexual drives and external stimuli, which serves to increase the probability of sexual pairing and bonding so as to enhance the survival of the species."

Rational, volitional love is the kind of love to which sages have always called us.

Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct.

We feel secure when we are assured that our mate accepts us, wants us,, and is committed to our well-being.

That kind of love begins with an attitude- a way of thinking . Love is the attitude that says, I am married to you, and I choose to look out for your interests."

When your spouse's emotional love tank is full and he feels secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach his highest potential in life. But when the love tank is empty and he feels used but not loved, the whole world looks dark and he will likely never reach his potential for good in the world.