Control Yourself!1

Republican leaders have introduced a proposal to counter President Obama’s Birth control legislation. Despite the compromise to allow religious organizations to remove birth control coverage as part of their employees’ health insurance, conservative politicians have continued to protest the Democrat’s initiative. “We are bringing a new bill forward that respects the Constitution, religious freedoms and a woman’s right to control their own bodies,” said Rep. Tom Thompson R-Iowa, the legislation’s main author.

Titled “We Withdraw”, the bill is a combination of tax incentives, social engineering and theological doctrine designed to encourage “responsible reproduction” while steering clear of any religious issues on birth control. Dogs and Jeans’ Crack Religious Scholars have summaries the main points:

• An annual tax credit of up to $500 for partners who practice “pulling out” at least once a week over using birth control. Tax claims must be accompanied by samples of semen free of any vaginal fluid. (The bill is not clear on how the samples will be distinguished from masturbatory ejaculate which would be an invitation for tax fraud.)

• Education grants of up to $5000 to businesses and organizations to provide information to their employees on the Rhythm Method. Some examples of instructional material are the poster series “The Rhythm Method is Not A Dance”, the pamphlet “What Time (of the Month) Is It?” and the ever popular DVD “I Got Rhythm, I Got Ice Packs, I Got Jesus, Who Could Ask For Anything More?”

• Federal matching funds of up to $3000 to assist in the removal of condom dispensing machines from the bathrooms of religious schools. (Ironically the same bill proposes reducing funding for high school day cares by up to 75%)

• Since same-sex intimacy does not result in unwanted pregnancies, there is a logical incentive to endorse this lifestyle as a legitimate alternative to profane contraception. For those rabid anti-homosexuality advocates who also are unable to refrain from gay encounters in airport men’s rooms, rest stops and boy’s choirs, the bill proposes a loophole to the definition of homosexuality. In the section titled “It’s Not Gay If You’re On Top”, only one person in the coupling should be riddled with shame, freeing the “Top” person to continue delivering diatribes against homosexuals without guilt.

• In anticipation of a spike in laundry resulting from an increase in “pull out fall out” on the nations bed linens, the government will encourage states to reduce their portion of sales tax on detergents by 1%. That loss of tax would be made up by a one-time federal transfer, or “Soap Subsidy” of $100 million to each state (except Delaware).

Due to controversy within the Republican party over the issue of swallowing, the entire section on tax breaks for blowjobs was removed.