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The following quotations were taken from
resumes and cover letters from all over
the country. With all the work and care
that goes into writing these documents,
it's funny, if unfortunate, when errors
slip through to the final draft. Alas,
such mistakes make exactly the wrong
impression on exactly the wrong people.Resum es:* "I am very detail-oreinted."* "I have a bachelorette degree in
computers."* "Graduated in the top 66% of my class."* "I worked as a Corporate Lesion."* "Served as assistant sore manager."* "Married, eight children. Prefer
frequent travel."* "Objective: To have my skills and
ethics challenged on a daily basis."* "Special skills: Thyping."* "Special skills: Experienced with
numerous office machines and can make
great lattes."* "I can play well with others."* "I have exhaustive experience in
manufacturing. "* "Special skills: I've got a Ph. D. in
human feelings."* "My contributions on product launches
were based on dreams that I had."* "I eat computers for lunch."* "I have used lots of software
appilcat ions."* "Objection: To utilize my skills in
sales."* "Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed
the family dog for years."* "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed
aside so the vice president's girlfriend
could steal my job."* "Previous experience: Self-employed --
a fiasco."* "I am a pit bull when it comes to
analysis."* "I am the king of accounts payable
reconcili ation."* "Work history: Bum. Abandoned
belongi ngs and led nomadic lifestyle."* "I like slipping and sliding around
behind the counter and controlling the
temperature of the food."* "Reason for leaving last job: The
owner gave new meaning to the word
'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate
private ly."* "Reason for leaving last job: Bounty
hunting was outlaw in my state."* "My ruthlessness terrorized the
competition and can sometimes offend."* "I love dancing and throwing parties."* "I am quick at typing, about 25 words
per minute."* "I am a rabid typist."* "Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."* "Special Skills: Speak English."* "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines
while maintaining composer."* "Education: B. A. in Loberal Arts."* "Work Experience: Dealing with
customers' conflicts that arouse."* "Education: College, August 1880 - May
1984."* "Experience with: LBM-compatible
co mputers."* "Fortunately because of stress, worked
in the cardiac intensive-care ward."* "Typing Speed: 756 wpm."* "Objectives: 10-year goal: Total
obliteratio n of sales and federal income
taxes and tax laws."* "ONCE FOCUSED ON AN OBJECTIVE, I
BELIEVE MYSELF TO HAVE AN UNDYING LUST
FOR SUCCESS WITH ACCURACY AND EFFECIENCY." * "AT ONE POINT IN TIME DURING [John
Doe's] 28 YEARS ON THIS PLANET, HE WAS
IN AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT; WHICH PUT A
FEW YEARS THERAPY, SOME 'ROLLERCOASTER'
E MOTIONAL SOUL JOURNEYS, AND A WICKED
JOB RESUME, WHICH MOST EMPLOYERS WOULD
FROWN UPON, AROUND HIS PRESENT
IDENTITY. .. TEN YEARS 'IN THE RUNNING'.
HOWEVER , GIVEN THE PRESENT CASH FLOW,
VIA. THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT,
CONSI STENCY, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND
EMOTIONALLY, HAVE BEEN REALIZED AND
TOUCHED UPON OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS.
ALL IN ALL, MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOCIAL
SECURITY BENEFITS IS GROWING NEAR END IN
RESPONSE TO MY ACCUMULATED WORK HISTORY.
HENCE, I SEE URGENCY, CLOSURE, SOME
FEAR, STRONG DESIRE, AND MATURITY ALL
WOVEN INTO THIS EXPRESSION OF ME, THE
EMPLOYEE TO YOU, THE EMPLOYER."* "Seek challenges that test my mind and
body, since the two are usually
inseparab le."* "Personal Qualities: Outstanding
worke r; flexible 24 hours a day, seven
days a week, 365 days a year."* "My experience in horticulture is
well-rooted."< br>
* "Work History: Performed brain wave
tests, 1879-1981."* "Extensive background in public
accounting . I can also stand on my head!"* "I perform my job with effortless
effici ency, effectiveness, efficacy, and
expertise."
* "Personal: Married 20 years; own a
home, along with a friendly mortgage
company. "* "My intensity and focus are at
inordinately high levels, and my ability
to complete projects on time is
unspeakable."< br>
* "Exposure to German for two years, but
many words are inappropriate for business."* "Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience:
1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of
Audience Questions: 30."* "Interests: I like to workout in my
free time. I enjoy listening to music. I
love to shopping in new places."* "Accomplishments: Completed 11 years
of high school."* "Excellent memory; strong math
aptitude; excellent memory; effective
managem ent skills; and very good at math."* "Personal Goal: To hand-build a
classic cottage from the ground up using
my father-in-law."
< br>Cover Letters:* "Thank you for your consideration.
Ho pe to hear from you shorty!"* "Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."* "I saw your ad on the information
highw ay, and I came to a screeching halt."* "Please disregard the attached resume
-- it is terribly out of date."* "It's best for employers that I not
work with people."* "Insufficient writing skills, thought
processes have slowed down some. If I am
not one of the best, I will look for
another opportunity."* "If this resume doesn't blow your hat
off, then please return it in the
enclosed envelope."* "My fortune cookie said, 'Your next
interview will result in a job' -- and I
like your company in particular." * "You hold in your hands the resume of
a truly outstanding candidate!"* "I am sicking and entry-level position."* "Here are my qualifications for you to
overlook."* "I am a quick leaner, dependable, and
motivated."
* "I am relatively intelligent,
obed ient, and as loyal as a puppy."* "Note: Keep this resume on top of the
stack. Use all the others to heat your
house."
< br>* "I don't usually blow my own horn, but
in this case, I will go right ahead and
do so."* "I need just enough money to have
pizza every night."* "My compensation should be at least
equal to my age."* "I'm submitting my resume to spite my
lack of C++ and HTML experience." * "My primary goal is to be recognized." * "Below are the top 10 reasons to hire me."* "My salary requirement is $34 per year."* "I'll need $30K to start, full
medical, three weeks vacation, stock
options and ideally a European sedan."* "I am superior to anyone else you
could hire."* "I vow to fulfill the goals of the
company as long as I live."* "Although I am seeking an accounting
job, the fact that I have no actual
experience in accounting may seem
discouraging . However..."* "I realize that my total lack of
appropriate experience may concern those
considering me for employment." * "I worked here full-time there."* "I'll starve without a job but don't
feel you have to give me one."* "You are privileged to receive my resume." |
Tagged as people resumes cover letters employees funny
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