Funny Fights Joke #1:

(Contributed by anonymous)

A guy welded into a bar and ordered 10 shots of whiskey. Then asked...

“Who is the baddest SOB in here?”

The bartender said... "That guy shooting pool."

The man walked over and beat the shit out of him.

The next night the man ordered 15 shots of whiskey. Asked...

“Who is the baddest SOB in here?”

The bartender said... “The guy playing pinball”.

He walked over and beat his ass.

The bartender got sick of this guy and got an idea. He called the zoo and got them to bring a huge gorilla and put in the bathroom.

The next night the guy ordered 20 shots of whiskey. And again asked...

“Who is the baddest SOB in here?”

The bartender said “the big guy in the bathroom”.

The guy went in and caused a big uproar in the bathroom. He came out with his clothes all torn, blood dripping from everywhere.

The bartender asked...

"What happened?"

The guy said “tell that nigger when he wakes up that his fur coat is in the garbage can.”

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Funny Fights Joke # 2 :

(Contributed by anonymous)

T here were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says...

"I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed.

"What happened then?" they asked.

She said...

“Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.”

(Contributed by anonymous)

A man walks into a bar one day and asks...

"Does anyone here own that Rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my Chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talking' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly...

"How could your little runt kill my Rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

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Funny Fights Joke # 3 :

(Contributed by anonymous)

O nce upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravado bellowed...

"Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier.

One of them asked the Captain...

"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied...

"If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted...

"Get me my brown pants."

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Funny Fights Joke # 4 :

(Contributed by anonymous)

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says...

"And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.

She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says...

"What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.

"Getting a second opinion!"

(Contributed by anonymous)

o T ake all American women, who are within five years of menopause. Train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna. Drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

o Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

o We've had our children; we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

o We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events... finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem. Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government?

Oh, please...

We’ve planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years...

We understand tribal warfare.

o Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is or how they hide, launder, or cover-up bank accounts and money sources.

o We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help! Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

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Funny Fights Joke # 5 :

(Contributed by anonymous)

T wo physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said...

"I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and put a thumbtack in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said...

"That looks good; I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked...

"This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This putting tacks in shoes and spitting in cokes?"

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