Funny Chuck Norris Joke #1:

(Contributed by anonymous)

o C huck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

o Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.

o Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

o Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

o They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

o Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

o Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

o Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

o When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

o Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

o Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

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Funny Chuck Norris Joke #2:

(Contributed by anonymous)

o C huck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

o Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

o When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

o Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

o Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

o Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

o If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."

o After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

o Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

o Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

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Funny Chuck Norris Joke #3:

(Contributed by anonymous)

o C huck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wiseman, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

o To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

o There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

o Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

o There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

o Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

o The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Deceptions and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

o The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

o Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

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Funny Chuck Norris Joke #4:

(Contributed by anonymous)

o W hen Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

o It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

o Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

o Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

o If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

o If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

o On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

o When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

o Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

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Funny Chuck Norris Joke #5:

(Contributed by anonymous)

o G od offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

o A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

o Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

o Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

o When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

o One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

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